On a sunny Tuesday afternoon, as we sat upon the lawn, my rather lovely girlfriend informed me very kindly that inanimate objects have feelings too(1). After about seven hours hard contemplation and several stiff drinks(2) I came to the startling conclusion that for once in her---misguided and sheltered---life, she was right. (3)

I could not find a thing without emotion.

The emotions of these thoughtless beings are easy to read(4); even to the untrained eye much easier to read than human Emotions(5), as inanimate objects are unable to hide their feelings in animation as Humans and animals are. They have no ideas about proper behaviour and can only do what comes naturally(6). How does a coffee cup feel? Either full and warm or empty and used. This is just one example; you will have to find your own examples about the house if you want more---as generalisations about the feelings of certain types of objects is paramount to racism in my book(7). Apart from feelings, often they have personality, and even (at the best or worst of times) humour. For fear of stereotyping them, many pens have humour. Disappearing when you need them appearing when you don't. (8)

Objects with personality are usually the ones you use everyday: that stubborn old tin opener, the shower control(9) that's full of tricks and has to be tamed.

This of course brings me to(10) the car and the melon. The car always has personality. A good driver knows and loves his or her car. It should have a name. Maybe it needs a little encouragement to get up hills(11). A weekly wash to feed its vanity(12). Or some kind of reward, at least, for the work it puts in.

The melon (soon to give its life in interests of medical science(13)) is the true opposite(14) of the car. False opposite's, or common opposites, are as far as you can get from something in the same field(15). A square and a circle are common opposites. Up and down left and right. To clear things up further(16), let me explain that the true opposite of a square is a Rastafarian gentleman named Digs. He is as far from a square as you can get. There's only one Digs where as there are many squares. You can't draw Digs with a set square; he has no straight lines(17). Digs is completely useless to the world of geometry, and he is capable of rational thought. A square is not(18). The list goes on. Unfortunately for science, true opposites are completely useless. Also, a totally objective object(19) may have many true opposites, while only one common one. Once again, it is entirely up to you to discover your own opposites for your self.

Oh yes, cars and melons.

The melon is a true opposite of a car, and I was interested to see, given the inanimate objects personality theorem(20), what it would be like if these two diametrically opposed creatures were to clash in deadly battle. (21)

The car won.

And with that waste of life, Tuesday rolled into Wednesday. (22)

1．无生命的物体也有感情。
2．经过七小时的艰苦思索，期间喝酒的神情都颇为僵硬，因为陷于沉思。
3．她一生中终于说对了一次，因为她娇生惯养，而且受到了误导。
4．很容易察觉。
5．即使对于没有经过训练的眼睛，无生命物体的感情也比人的感情更容易觉察。
6．因为它们不知道什么是恰当的举止，只能自然地流露感情。它们不会像人一样矫饰感情。
7．如果将某些类型物体的感情加以归纳分类，那无异于种族主义。
8．即使钢笔也有个性和幽默感，例如当你需要它的时候它就小时，而当你不需要的时候它就出现。
9．淋浴开关。
10．让我想起。
11．汽车在爬山的时候需要鼓励。
12．每周都要让它洗澡，以满足它的虚荣心。
13．即将给予它生命，这样对医学有利。
14．真正的对立面。
15．在同一个领域里经常可以发现假的对立面或一般性对立面。
16．为了说得更清楚。
17．这个人不能用三角板来画像，他没有直线。
18．这个人能进行理性思维，但方格子不行。
19．完全客观存在的物体。